Two decades since her cinematic debut with ‘Parineeta’, Vidya Balan reflects on a journey that’s not just hers alone but also one that has shaped how audiences view women in Indian cinema. From breaking barriers to inspiring generations with her authenticity, Vidya opens up about her greatest achievements, the blessings of unwavering love, and the spiritual journey that has guided her every step of the way.
– By Shubarna Mukerji Shu
20 years in this realm of dreams and lights, and yet, for all the hearts you’ve touched, for every soul who’s crossed your path — these two decades are not merely your journey from ‘Parineeta’ onward. They are ours as well — our journey of knowing you, of celebrating you, watching you shatter one glass ceiling after another. But tell me, amidst all this, what achievement do you hold closest to your heart?
Firstly, that makes me very emotional, just hearing you say that. But I feel blessed — blessed that people feel like that about me. I don’t know about achievements, you know, but I’ve received so much love over the years. I’ve achieved success and fame, and thanks to that, I’ve received this love. Or maybe it goes hand-in-hand, because as an actor, it’s the people who make you a success by appreciating and lauding what you do. That’s something I always feel very grateful for. I feel grateful for everything — the love I’ve received – I think that’s my greatest achievement. Whether it’s from audiences, the media, or the industry, I’ve just received so much love. It’s not quantifiable. I think I’ve been accepted and embraced through these 20 years, through everything I’ve been through.
I should tell you this, someone I met recently appreciated the visible transformation in me but, in the same breath, said that in your case, it never really made a difference — even at what one might call your ‘biggest’! When I think about it, there was a phase when, physically, I felt extremely big. But I was still getting as much work. Some projects worked, some didn’t, but the love has always been there. And that, I think, is my biggest blessing. I don’t think I can call it an achievement because, frankly, I didn’t set out to achieve that. I just wanted to act. But all these blessings — I can’t even describe it.
You’ve changed the very way actresses are perceived in this industry, haven’t you?
I’m credited with being the face of that change. But did I set out to do it? No! I didn’t even think it was possible. I was just responding instinctively to what was being offered to me. There was a hunger as an actor. I was getting exciting opportunities, and I was grabbing them with all my might, giving it all I had. That’s all I’ve done — been receptive! Sometimes you want more, and you get much more. Sometimes you get far less than you expect. It works both ways, but I also think it has a lot to do with being in the right place at the right time. And that’s where I feel the grace of God.
There were many before me, and I think everyone has done their bit to bring us to where we are today. I mean, it’s not just the actors who’ve played certain kinds of roles — what is the zeitgeist of the times, you know? Depending on that, they’ve all done the best they could. What’s consistent is the hunger for more. I’ve seen that hunger in my mother — not as an actor, but just as a woman wanting more, wanting her girls to do more, always appreciating women who went out there and conquered the world. Of course, in the bargain, she wasn’t valuing herself enough because she was at home. But for her girls, she wanted us to go out and live our dreams.
This outlook is constant in women across generations: “I perhaps didn’t do it, but I appreciate that in others, and I want my daughters to go there and get it. For that, they have my support in every way.” So, as I said, I might be the face of it for this generation, but over the years, everyone has worked towards it. I’m just blessed because I was at the right place at the right time.
You often speak of God. What is your relationship with spirituality?
I am someone who believes that there is a God. To me, God is a divine force. I don’t attribute any one form to God. Yes, I was brought up a Hindu and am a practicing Hindu because those are the tools I grew up with. But my relationship with God has gone far beyond religion. Call it whatever you like — some call it the universe, some call it energy, some call it luck or good fortune — whatever name you want to use, to me, it’s my faith that has brought me here. And I have to credit my parents for instilling that in me. My father has always said that no matter what you do in life, do it to the best of your ability and with pride. Nothing is too small. I think that explains my body of work. That’s why I could put myself out there fearlessly.
That’s something that surprises me a lot. Everyone knows getting started wasn’t easy for you. There were rejections and failures before you even put your first foot firmly in the industry. What gave you the confidence that you could do it?
Upbringing, perhaps. From a young age, we were taught that if you fall, you may cry, but then you get up, dust yourself off, and move forward. That has been deeply ingrained in me since childhood. Fearlessness, I think, comes from my father. Faith comes from my mother. So, there’s an equal balance.
During that phase you mentioned, when there were a series of rejections, it used to cause a lot of anger. I had a lot of clashes with my mother because she kept telling me to have faith. But that’s also what gave me strength. I might have gone to bed crying my eyes out, but the next day I would wake up ready to give it another go. So, as I said, I was raised with equal measures of faith and fearlessness. Later, I figured out that there is no separating them — fearlessness and faith are one and the same thing. Having faith makes you fearless.
Let’s let that sink in — ‘faith makes you fearless’. But quite frankly, your mother having faith doesn’t automatically instill the same in you. You perhaps would have had a separate journey growing into it. What was that like?
I’m not a parent, but I feel that children don’t learn from being told — they learn by example. We learn from what we see, what we feel, what we perceive. I think those are the things I picked up, unconsciously — it’s in my subconscious!
Succeeding after a rough start is bliss, but there are times when, after being successful, you fail. Picking up from there is a lot harder. Tell me how you did it.
I remember after ‘The Dirty Picture’ and ‘Kahani’, I was being celebrated and attributed with all kinds of tags. I was on a high. And then, one after the other, for five years, not a single film worked. I went through a very tough period. I had gotten married to the man I wanted to be with, even though many doubted my decision. They didn’t think I should do that at the peak of my career. So, when the films stopped working, I wondered, “Oh God, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten married!” I wanted to be with Siddharth, I wanted to make it work. But I went through all sorts of questions and insecurities. I guess professionally, I was so scared of losing what I thought I had built. But the beauty is even when the films weren’t working, I got so much love from people. Whenever I would step outside, I was showered with love and praises. Sometimes I wondered, “If they like me so much, why aren’t they going to the theatres to see my films?” But there was no mistaking that love — it was all pure and real. That’s why I feel these 20 years have been like a spiritual journey for me. They have taught me to love and accept myself.
Is it easy to love yourself when you’re not succeeding in your career? It’s definitely easier to love yourself when you’re doing well.
Exactly my point. It’s when you’re at your lowest that life presents you with the opportunity to complete the process of loving yourself for who you are. Loving yourself is a process — there are parts of you that are easy to love, and parts that aren’t. It’s your lows that help you know accept and love yourself a little more. That’s why my journey is so special to me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. It has taught me about myself, about my relationships — and I don’t just mean with my husband, but with everyone, even at work. It has helped me see things in perspective.
One perspective of success is knowing that it’s not permanent…
Success, fame — they say these things aren’t permanent. I beg to differ. I think nothing is permanent. Today, you might be feeling great about everything, and tomorrow you might wake up with a headache and feel everything is tedious and irritating. You wonder what you did differently, what caused the headache, but often there’s no explanation for it. Some things are here today, and tomorrow they might not be. Life goes on.
Among the many moments of success, which was the one that made you feel like you had truly, absolutely made it?
Oddly, it’s not the money your film made or the awards, but the much smaller, seemingly insignificant things that hit home. Like someone walking up to you and telling you how one of your roles changed their life, how a certain performance hit so deeply.
Of course, there are the trappings most people associate with success — like a bigger car coming to pick you up, a better room given to you, more money — but those are external. I think it’s your loved ones’ reactions that really touch you. I remember this incident with my nephew Ruhaan. He knew I was an actor but didn’t really grasp much until he saw ‘Mission Mangal’. He was so shocked — “Abida” (when they were kids, they couldn’t say “Vidya” and the name stuck), “you were the main character?” Until then, he must’ve thought I just did a song here and a dance there. Also, when hen my niece quietly let it slip that Manjulika really scared her classmates — you know you’re doing something right.
One striking memory stands out from the sets of ‘Te3n’, when I was at my lowest, surrounded by self-doubt and wondering if everything I had achieved was a fluke — imposter syndrome, because where I come from, people don’t become movie stars. But there we were, on a Christmas night at a railway station called Santragachi, and I looked up to see hordes of people gathered just to see me. You can’t help but feel touched.
Having already achieved so much success, what keeps you on your toes still? What makes you hunger for more? I might feel satiated today, but that doesn’t mean I won’t get hungry tomorrow, right?
I still get very excited to get up and explore a new character, a new story. It’s a lovely process. But I’ve also realised that I work according to the mental state I’m in. Recently, I read a wonderful script but didn’t see myself doing it. Because at this point I just wanted to let my hair down and have fun. Yesterday, I was offered a completely different genre, and that excited me. I love talking to people, knowing their stories, understanding them. That always drives me. Acting, for me, is like knowing yet another person, inhabiting their character, and spending time with them.
If there’s one thing you’d want to tell your eightyear-old self and your 80-year-old self, what would it be?
To my eight-year-old self: “You are perfect just the way you are. You are lovable just the way you are.” And to my 80-year-old self — I don’t know; what would it be?
No regrets, perhaps?
I don’t have any regrets. And if someone tells me that’s not possible, I’ll argue! Because once you realise you did your best, there’s no room for regret.
Wow — truly enviable to be able to achieve that. Despite the no-regrets bit, has there ever been a professional decision that thoroughly impacted your personal life?
I think it was around 2007, very early on, when I decided I wouldn’t do a film if I didn’t want to do it. I wouldn’t settle for anything — even if it meant saying no to some big films, big directors, big banners, or even my mentor (Pradeep Sarkar). He might have thought I was being ungrateful, but I was just being true to myself and honest. I know to this day that I have all the gratitude for him, but I just couldn’t get myself to do a film I didn’t connect with. It has rubbed people the wrong way, but that wasn’t the intent. I just wanted to be true to myself.
You feel so strongly about your work — I wonder if it surrounds you completely. Are there things other than work that bring you joy?
Spending time with Siddharth, my family, my niece and nephew, Siddharth’s family! I guess I love being around my people. I have two dear friends, but they’re both not in the country. So, it’s basically me spending time with my family that brings me joy. Of course, books, a good meal, watching something exciting, a good night’s sleep, playing with my little neighbour — we did a nice puzzle the other day. So many things bring me joy.
You’re someone who cares deeply about the things that mean something to you, but you hardly ever speak about the causes you care about, or what you’re doing about them.
I think we live in a world where everyone is talking too much and doing absolutely nothing. I don’t want to be part of the armchair philosopher gang! Also, for films, we have a whole censor board, but today everyone with a phone thinks they’re the censor board. I’d much rather speak about myself, my work, and do whatever I want to do for whatever cause I choose — without making declarations.
Something tells me it’s these armchair philosophers that made you reluctant to join social media, initially!
I just don’t want people telling me I have to make a reel today because it will get me traction. I haven’t made one for a monthand-a-half, and I’m totally okay with that. Tomorrow I might make 12 if I feel like it. Frankly, I don’t want to tell anyone how to live their life, and I don’t want anyone telling me how to live mine. Let’s all just have fun, live our lives, and when it’s time to go, say goodbye with a smile. I hate anyone attempting to be controlling. Long ago, I read a book on the life of Sai Baba. It said surrendering is not losing control — it’s realising you never had any.
